I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
