i think my mom watched the whole time
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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