I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
