I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
