Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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