Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i came on her dog
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize