I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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