I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
