so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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