theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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