I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
