i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
