there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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