NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
