giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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