I am in a vortex of obligation.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
