Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
