She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I deserve this hangover.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
The air taste purple.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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