Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I am midnight drunk by noon
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
