then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
