Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize