I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
