I'm lost and stupid without you.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
