Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
