Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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