I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
