i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
