I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
