I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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