Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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