Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
