In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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