Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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