New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
