Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
