party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
