so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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