now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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