Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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