JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
