Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
