So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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