So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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