you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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