I cannot find my penis.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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