Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My cat gives me a boner
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
