I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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