I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
