This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
