i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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