My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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