So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize