sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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