matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
