I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
