Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
