Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Dicks are not precious.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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