Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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